I’m a girl who loves love and loved her teenage romance stories growing up. No matter if they were books or movies, I loved them all. But as she grew, she realized that her own romantic life wasn’t exactly how she remembered it. It was happening different than how it did in the books she grew up reading. But it wasn’t only in romance that these movies failed her up growing up, in other teenage issues as well. See if you were like me, you were a part of a fandom. Meaning that you most likely ate, slept and breathed your favorite story. And if you were fortunate enough that your favorite story became a movie, even better! Well, my love for these characters and fictional stories destroyed me. It took me until my adult life to realize that these stories were only stories. Fictional romance stories are not meant to be a model to base your teen life around.
In this essay, I want to share with you some findings. I found that I’m not the actual only one who thought this and go more into details on how it affected me. And how these romance stories have failed a generation. But first, a few disclaimers:
- I still love my fictional worlds and characters and romance movies and I probably will never stop watching them… I’m more aware now of what real life is actually like.
- I am also not an expert. I gathered research and put my own story into this essay.
- This essay is in no way, shape, or forming hating myself, these movies, or whoever watches them. I want to highlight the importance and influence that they are to our society. And their importance they are in our culture, especially at a young age.
- I can only speak from my own experience growing up as a female. I’m now writing this from the perspective of an adult looking back at her teen self.
“Chick flicks are like cheap candy bars, in my opinion: I know they are bad for me, but they are just so freaking delicious!” said love activist and coach Margot Schulman, author of the new book Choose Love: A Simple Path to Healthy, Joyful Relationships. (Source)
To understand, remember your favorite fictional character and their world. Come on, we all had one! Did you also want to escape into their world one day? Also wanted to have a “successful” romantic relationship too? Did you feel so much for these characters that you wanted to become them too because they were so relatable? If you relate, keep reading. If not, try to see and process what my teen brain went through. I know I’m not the only adult looking back at her teen years either. So guess what? Our lives probably didn’t turn out like the fairytales we wanted them to.
So now we’re in our mid-20s and well… time to face the reality we were hiding from in our teen years. Time to come out of that fantasy world we had escaped to. Now we’re faced with trying to figure out who we are as an individual and not as these characters in these romance stories. We’re dealing with heartbreak because we thought the first person to give us attention was “the one’. Now, we’re at the “Now What” phase in our lives. I took it personally when my life did not turn out just exactly as my favorite protagonists went…
The Science Behind It
First the science behind it all? Let’s talk about cognitive development. According to the University of Rochester Medical Center, they define cognitive development as:
The growth of a child’s ability to think and reason.
They go on to say that it happens in two stages: from the ages of 6 and 12 and then from 12 to 18. For this essay, let’s only focus on the 12 to 18 year age range. Between 12 and 18 we go through a phase called adolescence. In this stage, we develop more complex thinking which includes the ability to:
- Abstract Thinking: aka possibilities
- Reason from known principles: form our ideas or questions
- Consider many viewpoints: compare or debate different ideas or opinions
- Think about the process of thinking: being aware of the act of the thought process.
During this stage, everyone is going to form a different view of the world. Development is happening during this stage. So needless to say, during this time in our lives we are super vulnerable. And of course, being a teen in today’s society, anything can influence them! The article states that during your middle adolescence stage, those are ages 14 to 17 according to healthychildren.org you start to develop your own identity. You start to think about the different possibilities out there. Well, how do we do that? How does that happen? Well, by who we surround ourselves with and what surrounds our world.
Now, I have grown out of that stage in my life and I don’t know what teens are into nowadays. The first thing that pops into my head is social media. Social media only starting to take off in middle school for me. But when I was in this stage of my adolescent life, what surrounded me was most YA novels. These books are specifically aimed for adolescents, according to the YALSA. I’ve loved reading since I was a child but rediscovered my love for reading through YA books. According to this article, the number of YA books published doubled between 2002–2012. I fall into the category of being an adolescent between the years 2008–2014. What circled me during my adolescent world specifically in 2008, the moment when my adolescence began, a worldwide phenomenon started and nothing was the same…
Romance Stories Through Movies
So let’s dive into the wormhole a little deeper. We all know that book-to-screen adaptations are a big hit. These romance stories already have a fanbase built around them so it’s easier for everyone! Everyone wins. Many love to see their favorite stories and characters come to life. And once you find the right audience and right story to adapt, BAM, you’ve got the gold mine. You were immediately surrounded by your favorite story! It was everywhere you looked even if you weren’t looking! I was fascinated by this world I was immersing myself in. People my age were enjoying it as well and if you were like me and wanted to “fit in”, this was the perfect way to do so. But what was a phase for everyone became an obsession for me. It got to the point where I want my life to become these stories. I was so hooked on these worlds and characters that I wanted nothing else but for these romance stories to be real. It got to the point where I thought they were…and it almost but it ruined me in a lot of ways.
Why it Actually Affects Us?
In the blog post by Curveball Media, it goes on to explain why these characters seem so real to us. It’s because these characters are so well written and well developed that we relate to them. We resonate with them! And if you were like me reading YA, the protagonist is also most likely going to be your age too. (Source) It makes the story even more relatable. You’ve emerged yourself in the character’s shoes with them. The blog post also says that if we’re absorbed by a story, we experience the emotions in a real way. Their emotions become our emotions too!
We can get so invested, so ingrained in something as teens. We can forget that the characters and story are fake, because they seem very real to us. There is a word for this that the article discusses. It’s “Alief” created by philosopher Tamar Gendler which means “a response to how things seem”. Even though everything is fake, the feelings of the experience are still very very real.
As this one Medium Publication put it:
We get to know these characters much more intimately than we do real people.
And that is attractive for us. That’s where the “hooking” part of the story begins for us. We start to become these characters’, we are these characters. We are so ingrained and invested in these characters lives, we seem to forget fact from fiction. We’re affected by the environment around us and with being a teenager brings that to a whole other level. As this blogger put it:
Our style of loving is determined to an “extent what the prevailing environment dictates”.
The writer also mentions that we place value on the ideas and feelings that we think we should. It’s all because of what these novels and films place their values towards. And some of these values can be good values or not so great…
Identity Crisis
As a teenager, I was at this stage where I was trying to figure out who I was. Meanwhile surrounded by a pop culture phenomenon happening around me. I was growing up in this environment. The fact is that no one knows who they are between the ages of 12 and 18. Heck, we don’t even know who we are sometimes at 20+. But in our teen years, we are dealing with establishing our identity, trying to figure out who we are. But isn’t it easier to be someone else than to go through that painful process of discovering who you are? It doesn’t help that these characters seem so excited to take on these adventures. They seem ready to face them head-on with all the other challenges in their lives going on. These characters make it seem like saving the world is more doable than anything else. They make us feel bad about our menial everyday problems. I sure took that route and decided that I wanted to have the life of a fictional character instead. It seemed easier to go through life that way. I mean why go through growing pains if you don’t have to right?
In this Medium essay, the writer goes into details about how it is all scientific and in our brains. I already talked about the psychological aspect of it a little in the introduction. Let’s dive in a little deeper. On the right hemisphere of our brain, the supramarginal gyrus “forms part of our neurone system and deals with empathy”. We become so empathic to these characters we feel like we become them. We are so ingrained in the story that we sense it to the core. The steps and decisions these characters make are laid out for us, so why can’t we do the same? Again it seems easier. If a fifteen-year-old can save the world, then I must be able to do whatever with the slightest of ease.
Granted yes, it’s not as easy to emulate a fantasy romance story but what about contemporary romances which are set in the modern day? So what’s better than to face our identity crisis? Be someone else! And why not pretend to be someone who seemed to have it all together and get the guy at the end? What’s the recipe for disaster in that one? We don’t realize that though we can identify with these characters, it does not make us these characters. We can relate to them, personality or conflicts wise but we don’t need to adopt all their behaviors, good or bad. Not make the same mistakes they did but learn from them instead.
Visions on Love Through Romance Stories
And now let’s talk about even more heavier stuff. The expectations on romance these books and films establish for us. Our brains think that these characters have the most amazing lives and adventures . We see that it all works out for them, wouldn’t we want to emulate all aspects of their lives? Even in the romance department? We get to the point where we want to live the same romantic lives as fictional characters. (Side note: If you’ve stuck with me and don’t think I’m completely insane, thank you).
Let’s say a teen who has had no romantic experiences in their lives, read these stories. They see that these characters “have it pretty good”, even in a relationship so it must be easy right? It shows us that we have to meet that “one” person, the relationship goes smooth and that’s it. Sure you will have minor bumps in the road, but it all works out at the end right? Let’s look at some more lies that these books/movies teach us at this age and how it creates these expectations.
Relationships Are Easy: False
Romance stories fail to tell us that relationships are hard and need a lot of work to maintain. It makes us think that relationships are easy and don’t need any work at all. So whenever we come into an argument with a partner for the first time, we are completely thrown off. We’ve never seen anything like it in comparison to the books or novels. But by the end of the day, or the next day, everything worked out without having any conversation about it at all. The point is movies don’t show that relationships are hard work. They also don’t show that you need communication for your relationship to work.
When watching perfect relationships in movies, sometimes we forget that part of being in a relationship is putting in the effort and learning how to manage conflict.~ Amy Rollo (Source)
Sure most of the romance stories we see tell us about the romance and passion side of the relationship. That’s the fun part of the relationship. But what these stories fail in showing us is the partnership that a relationship takes. These romance stories fail to tell us that we need to work together as partners. Working together will make the relationships flourish and grow.
There Will Be “Bad Days”
As this blog post states, romance films and novels don’t prepare us completely. They don’t show us the “bad or tough days” in relationships. I didn’t even know that there could be bad days until I experienced my first in a relationship. I wasn’t prepared for them, I thought it would all be wonderful and peachy! And these movies teach us that, even if there are bad days, someone is always going to reach out after the fight. So when that doesn’t happen and it ends the relationship, we start wondering what went wrong. We don’t realize that these kind of events are all part of being in a relationship.
Fights generally end relationships in real life.- (Source)
At the end of the day, the article points out that we don’t see the rest of the relationship. The movie likely ends at the “happy ever after.” But as the article states, the start of the relationship is that, the start. That’s where all the fun stuff most likely happens, that’s where the passion is at its peak. The love story only tends to be how they got into the relationship. Not the actual, realistic trials during the relationship itself. But the key to a relationship is maintaining it, something that we don’t see in most movies nowadays:
Love is already depicted as colorful and passionate, but what it’s missing is maturity, wisdom, and realness- (Source)
Now, if we’re so influenced by the pop culture around us, why don’t movies show the everyday life of a couple? They do, but only a glance, you have more of a chance to see it more in a novel. It’s tough for movies to depict everyday life in two hours and keep it interesting. But what those two mediums have in common is that they are trying to highlight the same thing. They are trying to show a certain amount of time in the character’s life. Within that amount of time, they are trying to make it realistic as possible. Because who in their everyday lives thinks about every step of their routine. It happens without even thinking about it! Also, would you spend $12-$15 to watch a movie and all the couple do is live their everyday lives? No, of course, you wouldn’t. We want to be entertained and, everyday life may not always be that entertaining.
Someone Will Change For You
We grow up and if you were like me, you were into the dark, mysterious, bad boy type of characters. So that’s what I looked for in a guy. It was going to be a disaster from the start without me knowing it. The reason why I aimed this direction in searching for a guy is because of the characters I grew up loving. I was already trying to become my favorite character, all I needed the “bad boy/ mysterious” type. And after I found him, he would change for me. I grew up thinking that a guy would change for a girl if he loved her. I found that to be the ultimate act of love, something I wanted to find for myself. And so, I was on a mission to find this exact wrong guy for me. I wanted to “change” him and prove to me his love that way.
Some fall in love with the idea of fixing their significant other; healing their wounds, or being the one that they finally settle down with. (Source)
But the twisted part of this is that we think these “messed up” guys will save us too! That they are going to become our sense of living, or that they are going to help us find ourselves. Like I read in the book “Sacred Search” by Gary Thomas , two unhealthy people are going to form an unhealthy relationship regardless. We see “falling in love” as a sense of being, as a sense of completion in these novels and movies, but that’s not the case. No one else will shape who you are, only you can form yourself. This also doesn’t help with the identity crisis you may go through as a teen.
But what can be even worse than thinking that we can change someone during a relationship? Thinking that we can go back to someone because they might change:
Movies will make us think that if we go back to the person we are so clearly not meant to be with, and change for them, things will work out. (Source)
One True Love
I’ve seen many women who believe that love must strike like lightning to be true and when that hormone-induced initial sparkle fizzles, the romance is over. I’ve coached dozens of men who suffer from a hero complex. Margot Schulman
So of course, I find the wrong guy and think he’s the “one”. Even with the inexperience, there was a part of me that knew he wasn’t actually it. But I was following my story and the first guy to give me attention was going to be the one. Even if I felt something was wrong, it was going to work out.
This makes us think that if a person is truly meant for us, it would all just work out. (Source)
So we grow up with these ideas that one person is our fate, and that one person is our soulmate. To not go down the rabbit hole even farther than we already are, I do believe in different forms of soulmates. I know I met mine, but it didn’t happen how I grew up watching them be like. We’re taught that these soulmates will help you figure yourself out. The reason is that they know you better than you know yourself. But that’s not the case in real life. It’s a similar situation to think that this one person knows all about you.
Love Conquers All
To expect our spouses to completely love, pursue, or understand us is unrealistic and sure to cause frustration and profound disappointment. (Source)
I plan to share my own story about how love actually does not conquer all at a later date. One thing the article reiterates is that love cannot conquer things such as self-esteem or past traumas. Love can not conquer deep-rooted issues. Love can distract you from it, but it won’t solve it.
Side Note: I have another on a similar topic that you can read here
Other Misconceptions Of Love
- True Love is the only sense of meaning, the reason to live for
- All Consuming Love: Think that we need love because if not, we are lonely
Expectations on Romance
These teen protagonists seem to have it all together by high school. When one goes to college and realizes that they don’t have it all together, the crisis starts. They start to think where they went wrong. And if your high school relationship fails, you think you won’t ever find the one again. You believe that he will be the one that got away.
Dating
Let’s take it down a smaller scale for a second, the step before the relationship- dating. We all know that romance movies have created an unrealistic expectation on dating. Even with a date itself! I mean if he doesn’t take you to Paris on your first date, is he even worth a call or text back?
You’re always waiting for the big romantic gestures and are disappointed in anything small (Source)
Our love lives look unsatisfying compared to films- (Source)
We kind of use these romance stories as a guideline for our relationships in the future. When we are in middle or high school reading these stories we start to say:
Okay once I’m old enough to start dating, this is what I’m going to do. My favorite character did it and was a success so why can’t I?
Again, we have to remember we are looking at this from a teen girl’s perspective. Granted when we watch these movies or read these books as adults, we now know it’s most likely not going to happen. But with a girl with no experience, one can only dream of these scenarios and the chance have her feet swept. We start to resent these romance stories when things don’t go as planned. Our first love experience and most likely did not turn out a happy one.
Resentment Towards Romance
There were moments in my life where I to resent it. I resented the books I grew up loving, for creating these false expectations. For not realizing that these are stories until a few months ago that inspired this essay. I based my decisions on those books. I wanted to run away from the life I already was living so I can immerse myself in the world I was creating in my head. Never did it cross my mind that this is crazy, I believed it. I thought it was real, that all of this was going to happen. Did I think there would be consequences? No,never! Wasn’t this all part of the growing- up process. I never thought that this plan would fail. Because if it worked for them, why can’t it work for me? Why couldn’t it work out for me and it worked out for a character that I related to so much? The character I was trying to be.
That’s because they’re not supposed to represent realism, they’re meant to be utopian, idealistic, nearly unattainable by design. (Source)
A principal flaw you’ll encounter if you’re trying to model your love life after a chick flick is that there are only so many archetypes to choose from. ~ Caitlin Killoren (Source)
These romance stories become our first experience with love. It’s the only thing we can go back on when we encounter love the first time in our lives.
We feel entitled to a happy ending because everyone else in these movies do too (Source)
Concluding Points
So what is the point? What is the solution to this “problem”. There isn’t, the only way it can change if we change the narrative of the story. To write and show more romance stories about how relationships are actually like. To show the work that relationships are. We can’t change the rewiring of the teen brain. We have to teach the younger generation to detach themselves from these romance stories. How? Well through the stories that they love themselves. As a teen, these romance stories become our lives. We give them so much importance because we feel alive through them. They give us some kind of voice and importance in the adult world like this teen pointed out in her entry.
Now, as I said in the beginning, I’m not hating at all on the romance genre at all. I will always watch and read romance but I wish when I was younger, I was more aware. I wish there was a story out there knowing that there wasn’t a happy ending, where the relationship was work. There is but you know it’s not as marketed as a happy ending. These romance stories and movies serve as an escape and who wants to escape to a sad reality? They are our nice escape from the reality of school. An escape from the awkwardness of growing up and beginning of relationships. It gives us a sense of hope as teens that things will work out smooth for us. I know in my case may be a bit extreme but I’m not the only one out there. I can’t be the only one that wanted to become their favorite characters. This essay is to highlight and bring awareness on how much these romance stories can make such an impact on us.
Of course, these movies and books also bring important lessons. We should do our part and highlight them more:
Within the cheesy scores and first kiss scenes, there are some important lessons buried: beauty isn’t just skin-deep, don’t overlook the nice guys and your best friend, and love yourself before you love anyone else.- (Source)
The beauty of these romance stories is that they do serve as an escape, something that you can enjoy. There’s no rhyme or reason, you don’t have to decipher it or anything. You can sit down and watch or read and enjoy and know that there’s going to be a happy ending at the end as a guarantee. We love these romance stories for what they are and the nostalgia it brings. We still love it after reading or watching it so many times. It brings us back to particular emotions and stages in our lives. It’s something we’ve grown up in, it becomes a part of us after we made it such a center of our lives before. It also brings a sense of community, how fandoms were born and how you made long-lasting friendships through them. I stand on my point that of course these romance novels and movies should continue. I argue that we can change the narrative. Let’s make the experience much more realistic to the life of everyday teens.
Check out onthecoffeetable.com for more blog posts! Also check out more stories on my Medium page!
Thank you to my sources for their excellent points and observations! Check them out if you’d like more information
- Goalcast.com- The Dark Side Effects of Chick Flicks
- urmc.rochester.edu- Cognitive Development
- healthychildren.org- Stages of Adolescence
- thebalancecareers.com- Young Adult Book Market
- curveball-media.co.uk- Loving Fictional Characters
- curiosityneverkilledthewriter.com- From The Page to Your Heart
- jamesrussell.org- How Romance Novels and Movies Ruined Love
- yalsa.ala.org- YA Contemporary Romance
- cubmagazine.co.uk- 10 Unrealistic Expectations Movies Have Given Us
- cmr.biola.edu- Don’t Let Hollywood Ruin Your Love Life
- huffpost.com- I’m A Teenager And I Don’t Like Young Adult Novels
